You let your past win you over.
And even if you revolted, you did not go all the way.
You recognise your trauma, have no trouble talking about it openly, and actively work to defeat it.
But by giving it so much value; you keep it alive and you identify with it.
It becomes you — and then you don’t want to let go.
With every opportunity to make it disappear forever — you are afraid to. Your trauma is finally hanging off the cliff with one finger, and all it takes is one push. But you just can’t do it.
You rush back to old patterns, to the same people, and the same situations.
And you push away what is newer and better — in fear things might go right for once.
The illusion of healing
On the surface it seems to many that you are walking the right path. By talking about your past and your trauma suggests you have conquered it.
You are doing the things you always wanted — you must be winning.
Your trauma is a bit like Schrödinger’s Cat — it’s both alive and dead at the same time. It’s dead to those that can’t see through you. But alive to yourself, and to those that can.
You try to repress the trauma and make it invisible — but sometime things get out of hand. You think crying out for help will get you somewhere but it makes things worse.
You bang it in that you’re problematic, troubled, unwell.
And by doing so, you become it.
Confusion
All this work and you’re still troubled.
It makes you think, what’s missing? You seek external things to compensate for a lack of inner resolution.
You fall into the trap of believing that if you had that something — everything would be OK.
Reverse Sisyphus
This feeling of inadequacy is keeping you back. You’ve done the work and you’ve walked the path to becoming what you set out to become.
But your dark energy was the fuel. And you didn’t really know it.
Like a Reverse Sisyphus.
Instead of being condemned to push a boulder up a mountain for eternity, you’re condemned to be pushed up the mountain by your own trauma. And never reaching the top.
The Solution
The trauma may have gotten you this far, but you don’t have to carry it with you any further.
Stop looking for things outside you to heal you — you must heal yourself first.
Now push her off the cliff and turn back to finish the journey.
